i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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