5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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