yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
dude. I can hear the air.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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