I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can I color on your dick again?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
