omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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