theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
