absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
