This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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