Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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