Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
whose parrot is this?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
