Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
