he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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