My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
