I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
