I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
