Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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