I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
