you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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