my phone needs a breathalizer
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
