You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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