Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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