Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
