Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize