and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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