my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
