It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
