I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
