i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
