Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
