mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
