i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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