Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
