oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
