I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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