Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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