So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
