I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize