No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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