I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
