u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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