So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
