So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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