Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Text me some of your sweat
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