I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
