i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
