Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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