My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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