Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize