I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
