I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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