y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so let's talk penis.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
