the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
