Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
