you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
