I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
