My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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