im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
