You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize