I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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