He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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