god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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