He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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