Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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