it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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